Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Rhys and Fallon and Paul and Lillian- November in Ambridge

AND IT'S LEGOVER MONTH in Ambridge. Perhaps Welsh barman and all round bore, Rhys Williams, was so impressed with Fallon Rogers's suggestion of bringing board games into the wine bar for customers to enjoy that he simply could not keep his hands off her a second longer or, most like, just looked at her name newly written above the door of Jaxx place and decided it was high time that she did.

And just to prove that it is not just the youngsters of Ambridge who know how to make the beast of two backs ageing, gin swilling, chain smoking Lillian Bellamy has got back in the saddle again and is having a fling with the brother of live-in lover and long time business partner, Matt Crawford. Both of these actions showing just how desperately stocked Ambridge and the surrounding highways and by-ways of Borsetshire are for men, if women are reduced to sharing their beds with such utter dullards as these two sorry specimens.

Ambridge has never been a stranger to titanic bores although the scriptwriters have unearthed a pair of rare gems to inflict on an undeserving, and fast dwindling, listenership. Lillian's son James has come to stay because he has damaged his leg in an accident and is re-united with Robert Snell's middle aged Sloane of a daughter, Leonie. For some reason Lillian's  Dower House only boasts one bath room and one reception room and it would appear that the venue for James and Leonie's love making is always one or the other. Apart from creating a couple who are so uniquely unappealing it would appear the Archers' scriptwriters have no idea that a Dower House is invariably a large property, usually the second largest in any village.

However whilst James and Leonie bray at one another in terms of nauseating endearment in between playing patient and nursemaid another pair have finally been separated, and not before time many listeners would say. Joyce and Arthur Walters are so delightful, caring, thoughtful, understanding and sympathetic an old couple they make any normal human being want to choke them. That they have been so badly treated by wicked landlord Matt in his efforts to get them to vacate one of his properties has made even the most sympathetic listener want to cheer. But now Arthur has died, which has been greeted as rapturously by many as the demise of Little  Nell in the Old Curiosity Shop.

And while all this has been going on Tom Archer, who is always far too busy with his sausage meat empire to contemplate having sex with his girlfriend, Brenda, has been pioneering a new product: Christmas hampers containing pork based deep frozen ready meals. Amazingly it seems these are proving as popular with residents as Grundy Christmas turkeys. Which just goes to show that it is not only in the choice of lovers that Ambridge residents' tastes veer towards the imbecilic.


anna said...

Brilliant, Steve! Thank you for sparing us any thoughts on Vile Vicky and her blasted sprog.

Stephen E Killick said...

I cannot bring myself to mentioning her, Anna, for fear of being considered callous and unfeeling by the tremulous hordes of swooners who inhabit TA pages.

dusty substances said...

Well done. Anyone reduced to having sex with Rhys can only be commended on the basis that they didn't stoop even lower and have sex with Jazzer.

Wil Davis said...

Hit the nail right smack on the head! Well done, and I think you should apply to be a SW for TA! - Sturmey Archer

BroomersP said...

Excellent stuff Squire. Accurate and witty. Thank you

Seveek said...

Someone on Peet's board just asked after you Squire.

Pop in some time to say hellow.

Ian ex Seveek